第一次约会总是令人心跳的。不幸的，它总是以悲剧结束。当你攒了一个月的工资，惴惴不安的约出来一个美女，接她上车，全心全意地投入。你梦想着今晚也许有些浪漫的事情会发生。但不久，你就发现自己真是太“猪头“了，想要买后悔药，可惜没有卖的。今天我们就捅破窗户纸，敞开了聊一聊这六种绝对不能约出来的“美女”……

First dates are important.  Sadly, they often end in disaster.  You saved up enough cash to take out a nice girl, picked her up, opened every door, pulled out every chair, and kept your head in the game.  Tonight you were going to be a perfect gentleman.  Moments later you realize you made big mistake, and would probably rather make-out with a shotgun.  Today we’re going to pull back the curtains and look at some of those mistakes.

原文标题：6 Types of Women Who = First Date Disaster

原文链接：http://www.eluu.com/pg/bookmarks/eluu/read/436/6-types-of-women-who-first-date-disaster

1、嘴上挂着前男友的

如果你刚和一位美女见面，她第一句就说：“这真不错！XXX（其前男友）总带我去一些莫名其妙的地方”，那你就是遇到极品了。你烛光晚餐后的浪漫幻想基本就破灭了。如果你能说出口，你就告诉她我们今天不喝酒。为什么？因为她半杯酒下肚，就会一发不可收拾。她也许半个小时内就给前男友打电话，央求你送她过去，下车了就和前男友风流去了。

The Girl Who Won’t STFU About Her Ex

You know you’re in for a doozy when the first thing out of your dates mouth is “This is nice, <insert ex boyfriend> was always too fucking cheap to take me somewhere fancy.”  Your night is pretty much fucked from here on out.  If you can, tell her that you don’t drink.  Why?  Because you know that as soon as you order wine and she’s got a half bottle of Merlot in her stomach, she’s going to be a mess.  She’ll probably be calling him within the hour, and be getting fucked silly minutes after you drop her off.

2、只看手机不抬头的

这么说吧，如果我们是朋友，你在约会的前十分钟内接到我的短信或电话。如果我在闲扯淡，你将会告诉我现在有正事，等过后再联系。一般人在约会过程中偶尔接到一些短信和电话也没什么。然后，如果某个美女整晚上都是盯着iPhone不看你，那你就是遇到极品了。

Cell Phone Chatter/Texter

Look, we get it.  You tell your friend to text or call you during the first ten minutes of the date.  If we’re creepy, you’ll drop a hint to your friend and moments later you’ll be telling us how you have to leave because you have to take your friend to the ER.  I don’t think any guy has a problem with that first text or phone call, it’s basically standard procedure.  We do however, get pissed if your face is pointed at your iPhone all night.

3、捏着菜单不松手的

“嗯，如果我现在点了主菜，可能就没胃口吃开胃菜了；但，要不点开胃菜呢，我的胃又在咕咕叫，因为我来之前刚吃了点药……（此处省略若干字）……。”跟连点菜都犹豫不决的美女约会，是一个可怕的选择。可能你今晚所能干的事情就是在各个方面不断的开导她了。你愿意吗？

The Menu Analyzer

“Well if I get the main dish then I probably won’t be hungry enough to finish the appetizer.  But if I don’t get the appetizer my tummy may start to grumble because I just took my pill blah blah.” The menu analyzer is a terrible date mainly because you know most of tonight’s conversations are going to be more like an out loud reading of  ‘Trouble shooting for retards.’

4、异想天开傍白马的

当流行文化宣扬浪漫故事和物质享受的时候，我们（男同胞们）总是感觉很被动。电视总是让女人们沉迷于幻想中而破坏了男人的生活。流星花园仅仅是故事而已，它并不令人激动，也不真实。如果有位美女是怀有这种心思和你约会的，那你还是悠着点儿吧！

Girl Who Thinks Anyone Gives A Shit About “Jersey Shore”

When it comes to pop culture in America, we really got the short end of the stick.  Reality TV ruins the lives of men everywhere when their wives/girlfriends get sucked into another one of these piles of shit.  It isn’t exciting and it isn’t real, but it’s drama – and that my friends is all that it takes.  The only thing men know about reality TV is that Snookie got knocked the fuck out.  Can we leave it at that please?

5、两杯下肚现原形的

这种类型的美女自我感觉良好，而约她出来的帅哥可能被雷翻了。雷人归雷人，这种类型的美女士是最有可能得到的。不过你事先可要仔细权衡好了。一方面，如果不出意外，她可能一个小时内就跟你去宾馆温存了；不过，她夸张的笑声和举动可能会引来邻座食客的鄙夷眼神（只要你脸皮够厚就行了）。另一方面，如果你稍微言语不当，比如讲个伊拉克战争的冷笑话，也可能石化这位美女（人家可不喜欢听这些）。总之，和这类人出来约会，你可得小心了。

Loud After Two Glasses Of Wine Chick

This young lady doesn’t know it, but around the world men shudder at the agony of taking someone like her out on a date.  Unfortunately, this one will also be most likely to jump in the sack.  You really need to weigh your options and play your cards right.  On one hand, if nothing sets her off you could be knocking boots within the hour.  Sure you’ll get a few looks when people peer over their meals as she’s cackling like a hyena.  But sometimes the price of glory isn’t cheap.  On the other hand, you could make some insensitive comment about the war in Iraq thinking it would be funny. Quoting Bill Maher won’t get the same reaction from a liquored up young lady as it would from your roommates.  This shit can and will get ugly.  Remember, weigh those options.

6、态度暧昧拎不清的

也许最令人失望的约会就是，你在心仪已久的美女面前处于被动的位置。你关注她已经很久啦，终于找到一个时机地约她出来。也许在餐桌上她刚刚打开一瓶价格不菲的酒，举起杯子，却对你说：“还是让我们做朋友吧。”冷冷的把你的热情扑灭。

Girl Who Leads You On All Night, Then Drops “Friend” Bomb

Probably the worst first date and most heart crushing experience ever, is at the hands of the girl you’ve been chasing for quite some time.  She shows all the signs of being interested, and now it’s time to finally take her out.  Somewhere between the second expensive bottle of whatever she ordered and dessert, she’ll be like “Oh I thought this was just a friend thing” leaving you utterly devastated.

最后，写给美女的建议：

记住没有哪个帅哥愿意带你出来吃大餐，而只是为了交个普通朋友。当他眉来眼去的时候，你也别装傻（你知道你在他心中的位置）。有话直说也无妨：“我对你是真的没有那种感觉，但是你既然有花了这么钱，想买个浪漫我也可以奉陪；但是进一步发展可没戏哦。”这也是你除了吊他的胃口之外，唯一能做的了；而此时，男士也就礼貌的知难而退了。

Protip for the ladies: No guy will ever take you out to a nice dinner and just want to be friends.  Don’t act dumb when he starts dropping hints (you know who you are).  Seriously, how hard would it be to say “Look I really don’t like you like that but you just dumped a shit load of cash into this evening, so if you want to pound my love hole for a few minutes, go ahead.  Just know that this is totally no strings.”  It’s the least you can do after leading him on.

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